Go West, Middle-Aged Man

At some point this winter, mostly likely as I was climbing over the three feet of snow that stayed piled on our sidewalk from late December to February, it occurred to me that I had spent twenty-one years in New York City--exactly half my life. I moved here originally in 1990, straight out of college, to go to grad school at Columbia, and lived the grad-student/aspiring writer lifestyle up in Morningside Heights for seven years. Then I moved into a loft in the West Village with the woman who would become my wife. I wrote Emergence there--in many ways a love song to the Jane Jacobs vision of the city--with a view of Jacobs' old place on Hudson Street from my study window. Our first son was born while we still lived there; we watched the Twin Towers fall from Greenwich Street on our son's first day home from the hospital. When our second son was on the way, we decamped for Brooklyn, along with most of our old friends, and fell in love with the verdant, connected life of stoop culture in Park Slope. I started outside.in inspired by the local blogging scene that was flowering in Brooklyn at the time; we spent countless hours roaming through Prospect Park with our kids (now a pack of three boys) and savoring all the new shops and restaurants and coffeehouses opening in the South Slope.

All of which is to say that I have truly loved those twenty-one years in New York, but also to say that we are leaving that life for a few years. Next month, we are moving to Marin County, on the north side of the Golden Gate Bridge across the bay from San Francisco. It's a two-year move: an adventure, not a life-changer. But it's a move that has been in the works for many years. As a kid, growing up in Washington DC, I oscillated between thinking I would end up in SF and NY; each February, for the past five years or so, my arguments for a California move have rolled in, as predictable as the gloomy weather itself. But somehow this year the argument stuck.

In part, it stuck because our children are the perfect age for the adventure: old enough to appreciate it, but not so old that they refuse to make the move because they can't bear to leave their girlfriends behind. I still love New York, and especially Brooklyn, intensely, but there are things I love about Northern California too -- its epic natural beauty, its long history as a driver of cultural change and new ideas. And one of the sublime things about my job is that it gives us as a family the opportunity to live wherever we want to live. To not take advantage of that opportunity, even for a few years, seems like a terrible waste.

But the other reason for the move, in truth, is that I've come to think that this kind of change is intrinsically good in itself, wherever you happen to move. An old friend who did a similar westward migration a few years ago told me that the great thing about moving is that the changed context helps you understand yourself and your family more deeply: you get to see all the things that you really loved about your old home—and the things that always bothered you without you fully recognizing it. Like a good control study in a science experiment, the contrast allows you to see what really matters. Changing the background scenery helps you see the foreground more clearly.        

And then there's the passage of time. Another old friend -- my oldest, in fact -- wrote an email to me after I told him the news of our move. We've both been in New York for two decades, and we are both watching our kids growing up at lightning speed. "Change like this slows down time," he wrote. When you're in your routine, frequenting the same old haunts, time seems to accelerate -- was it just four years ago that our youngest son was born? But all the complexities of moving -- figuring out where to live, getting there, and then navigating all the new realities of the changed environment -- means that the minutes and hours that once passed as a kind of background process, the rote memory of knowing your place, suddenly are thrust into your conscious awareness. You have to figure it out, and figuring things out makes you aware of the passing days and months more acutely. You get disoriented, or at least you have to think for a while before you can be properly oriented again.

So that is why we are moving: for the natural beauty, yes, and the climate, and the Bay Area tech scene, and the many friends out there we haven't seen enough of over the past twenty years. But more than anything, we're moving to slow down time.

Comments

[Scott Yates]

OK. You convinced me. We're coming, too.

[Brad Berens]

Great that you'll be on the Best Coast for a while-- and the cognitive duration phenomenon you're talking about is one I've spent a lot of years pondering-- the difference between data-driven mental processing and schema-driven, and what the old Soviet Formalist Viktor Shklovsky called "ostranenie" or "making it strange." Congrats!

[Anil Dash]

Enjoy the shift in perspective! I hope you find, as I did after 2.5 years in SF, that it makes the return to NYC even more gratifying. :)

[Mark Simmons]

We just did the opposite move and have instantly started to appreciate the mental lift from breaking routine. Good luck with the move and enjoy the Bay.

And don't fall into the trap of believing there aren't seasons. They are just more subtle.

[Ehud]

We need a book about the culture of the Bay Area versus the culture of the NY digerati. Promise!

[Andrew Leonard]

Finally! Someone moves from Brooklyn to the Bay Area and not the other way around. Welcome!

[Jeremy]

Lovely, lovely entry. My wife, our 9 month-old and myself are gearing up for the same move from Pittsburgh, PA where we have resided for the past 6 years. Thank you for the additional inspiration and confidence that we are making the right choice.

[Jason R]

Welcome to the Bay. Good timing too. The startup shoot are sprouting and the good part of the last dot-com era are beginning to come back. Probably means a new bubble will grow (just in time to move back to Brooklyn). In the interim you can take the kids to Chrissy Field, sip a blue-bottle coffee, and spot a harbor porpoise or too.

[James]

Beautifully written and inspiring. Thank you.

[Jeff]

Welcome to the Left Coast. I know you're going to enjoy it out here.

[Aran]

I'll be looking forward to reading what writing emerges from your time in the bay...My wife and I teach in Marin so if you're looking for good schools feel free contact me. Happy trails...

[Weegee]

Steven, we're thrilled to have you here, if only for two years. Can't wait to see you around.

[Kristian Hansen]

Awesome. Glad to hear you are making the jump.

As a Marin kid - from Kentfield, I can attest to the awesomeness of the area, the schools, the people and the atmosphere.

Funny to think that I moved from Marin to NYC to attend Columbia (back in 2001) and have done the transverse of Manhattan to Brooklyn as well.

Enjoy your time in the Bay. Its timeless.

[Gareth]

As someone who moved to San Francisco from London via 6 years in Boston I sense what you're going through. Welcome to the most amazing place in the world I've ever spent time in.
It's the kind of place where good ideas come from:)

[Suzie]

Congratulations on your move and thank you for sharing it. I moved from California to Brazil 13 years ago. You are absolutely right about how certain things that were in the background suddenly come into relief once you change your environment. It changes your perspective of not only time but of the origins of things. The things in your daily routine have changed (I don't just means things to buy or to eat, but the things that may have inspired you, irked you, motivated you in some way). Pay attention to this adjustment period in these first few months of being in a new place. The wonder and perspective of a tourist quickly wears off. The distinctness of the differences of place smooths over very quickly as routine sets in. Try to remember Marin as it is new to you. Also don't forget to consider all the changes that will happen to Brooklyn that you'll not be a part of once you're gone. Bottle up your Brooklyn somehow. Today my California no longer exists. It has been torn down, paved over - alive only in stories. Today I feel like a tourist when I visit California, and Brazil is no longer new to me. Keep us informed!

[cheap sunglasses]

So far, I managed to go though only some of posts you discuss here, but I find them really interesting and informative. Just want say thank you for the information you have shared. Regards .

[David_Dobbs]

We're 3/4 of the way through a year in London we took for the same reason. Some hassle involved, and we dearly wish we could stay longer (they're tossing us out come August; visa regs v v tight), but extremely glad we went for it, and the kids -- 6 and 9 -- have loved it. And it does slow things down, you're right.

Good luck with the move. See you sometime somewhere.

[fred wilson]

i buy all the reasons but that last one. i don't think you can slow down time. joanne and i and our kids have moved five times in the 20 yrs that my kids have been around. and that 20 years seems like it has gone by in a flash

[Curt Warren]

I noticed that with my frequent moves, the memory for dates and events improved as I became an adult. I had the opportunity as the son of a military father to move over 18 times during my K-12 education. Brutal as a was, it gave me an appreciation for time and place and how things change. My ability to see a past date and know where I was and what I was doing at that time became very accurate.

I also discovered that the ability to appreciate time was based on a persons time in life grade. Two years to a kid seems an eternity while to an adult it is....well....just 2 years.

Everything going forward is based on what you see in the rear view mirror. Which is why the mid age crazies hit us when we finally can view our death looking forward only after we can look back 35 to 40 years. In essence, we can only see as far forward in time as we have lived historically.

[Jack Payne]

You think moving to Marin county will not be a life-changer? Wrong! You've got a big surprise coming. Take this from an 85-year old writer (and curmudgeon) who lives close to the Shangri-La called Marin.

[ceridwen morris]

Came here hoping to get the recap and here it is. I love this post and think about what you've said here often. I think it's a grand idea! Being in a new place makes you see things. It's true.

[JJ]

Hum, maybe that is why we get itchy feet every few years. Thanks for articulating something that I couldn't identify!

[Douglas W. Green, EdD]

Steve: Good luck with the move. If you get a chance, check out my review of "Where Good Ideas Come From" at http://bit.ly/mkNyKr.

[D Pak]

Why are all these assholes writing about "what I did/ when we moved" and handing out bullshit advice from their unrelated lives?? Nobody cares; you are not an expert on anything. Put aside your smug "I"-first mentality for 10 seconds & maybe, just maybe, one day you'll actually begin to be truly happy and no longer need to validate your pathetic useless existence by adding your life story to the coattails of someone else's.
-- one who's already beyond all that.

[Anastasia]

I agree with Jack Payne. It'll be a life-changer, for all the reasons you mentioned: moves throw us and our lives into high relief.

As a fellow Berkeleyan said to me on a Marin night back in the '80s, looking at the reverse view across the bay: "it's a different night of mind."

I think I'm on my 30-somethingth home, my fourth country. I'll be heading back to the SF-Bay Area too, after 30 years around the world. Having glimpsed you at TEDGlobal last year, it will be a pleasure to see you there.